Finding Peace with Myself

I am really all torn up inside right now and am a maker of my own unhappiness.

You see, I have a problem with confrontation.  In fact, confrontation makes me sick inside.  I have never been the kind of person to set boundaries between myself and other people.  Though I know that when people start crossing those boundaries I feel a strong need to break away and distance myself.  This method usually leaves people confused, hurt and offended.  I’m always afraid to set boundaries.  Because I think that if I set boundaries, then people will walk away and I will be rejected.  Because I feel deep inside that I am not worth the hassle of not crossing the boundaries I set.  So, when a relationship reaches the point of where boundaries must be set, I automatically start pushing that person (or group of people) away so that I can break free and not have to confront or set boundaries.  Saying “no” is not something I am good at.  I don’t want to hurt others because I know the intense pain of rejection and I also don’t want to chance being rejected.

I am lucky that I am married and have children otherwise I would be a lonely person.  Outside of my family, I behold myself to no one.  I put up a fence so that I will not be hurt.  While I enjoy people and can be the life of the party (mostly I am the life of the party but it’s another self-defense mechanism to help me be liked), another part of me is very comfortable being alone and having no friends.

For the longest time, it was hard for me to allow my personality to shine through.  I would always take on bits and pieces of personality from other people (generally these were well-liked people) and adopt them as my own.   I am usually well-liked by my peers and everyone likes to have me around because i’m fun and sweet.  I have become an expert at reading body language and understanding different tones, facial expressions and changes in voice and conversation.  I am excellent at reading people and try my very hardest to be everything to everyone.

Having said that… it has taken me 29 years to be able to piece this together and say it (or rather write it) outloud.  But now that I know this about myself, I haven’t the foggiest idea of how to change it.

Currently, I have a friend who really likes to have me around.  We get together, drink a little and talk a lot.  It’s fun, but she wants to see me all of the time and I cannot do that but have not set boundaries.  She’s going through something rather painful and feels lonely.  I am the main person she talks to about these things and I make her feel better.

I am happily married with three kids and my husband hates that I get together with her.  He usually feels like he has to fight for time with me (even though we spend lots of time together).  So sometimes I feel like the two of them are in an emotional tug-of-war.  I tried to explain to him how I feel but at the same time, I realize that he is my husband and God willing, we’ll be together always.  I walk around guilty and start fantasizing about my single life when I was only beholden to myself.  That sends me on another guilt trip.  I feel like I spend my whole life feeling guilty and unworthy.

So i’ve been avoiding my friend because I don’t want to hear how I should just tell my husband to “shove it” and do what I want.  I want to continue being friends with her but I don’t want to continue to “let her down”… because I don’t have enough time to devote to being a good friend.

*sigh*

My mother-in-law wrote me an apologetic e-mail regarding a recent situation that hurt my feelings and the feelings of my husband.  The situation at hand was a small one but simply added to the already burning fire and now we have an explosive ending.

I want to talk to her.  But I can’t.  It’s not quite the same as when it is your own family.  At least, that’s how I feel.  Your own family will love you no matter what.  Your inlaws… well… not-so-much.

So we sit in estranged silence.  She has apologized via e-mail.  But I still feel extremely hurt.  I’m trying as much as I can to get over it, but feel largely that this is the last straw for me.  Meanwhile, I sit and wait for something soothing to happen.  I know that I need to talk to her… but i’m not sure that I will feel any peace as a result and that I will always dwell.  At least…. right now.

It’s been so long since I had a great day, I feel like shouting it from the rooftops.  I now understand why exercise is the number one depression combatant.  I had about 3 hours of endorphin inducing, brow sweatin’, heart racin’ activity and I feel invigorated!

I just thought i’d share.  Good days like these make me feel blessed and help get me through the not-so-good days.

I have taken a good look at where i’m at right now and realize the depth of the misery that I am in (to a point).  The fact of the matter is, I have three beautiful children, a wonderful husband and an apt roof over my head.  So what’s to be sad about?

Still, I feel at a loss for a purpose.

Some days I want to lay in bed and throw the covers over my head.  Some days, my children call out to me and I stare at them trying to muster up the strength to do what I need to do.  I’m like a machine.  Going through life but not experiencing it.

This depressive state that I am in is sucking my soul away from me.  Because I love being a mom and I love being a wife, but I don’t know who I am.  I know who I used to be, but that girl… that woman is so far from where I am at now. And I would say that I want to find who I am but I don’t have the time or energy to pursue it.

I just feel so lost.