Finding Peace with Myself

This blog is not a happy-go-lucky blog for me.  I have plenty of those.  I choose to mask off my deep unhappiness and show only the bright side.  Because i’m afraid that i’m not worth it in the long run.  People like me better when I am happy.  Hell, I even like me better when i’m happy.  Most cannot deal with me unhappy.  It’s probably because my emotions are so intense that I scare people away.  Or do I automatically assume they can’t handle it and I push them away?  The dark emotion permeates from my skin.  Sometimes I feel like a poisonous frog.  Poisonous to the touch.

So when I come here to write, I really have to be in that introspective dark place.  Even if I am on the horizon of it.  Because I don’t feel like turning this blog into a happy and positive place to share my thoughts.  I want this blog to be the most honest thing about me.

Because the truth is, I am miserable in my own skin right now.  And… I’m the only one who can change it.

I have my children and my husband.  I am thankful for them but I am not the person they deserve.  I have my business that I just started during the winter months and I have no time to do it justice so therefore it is slow-going.  My brain is scattered in a million different pieces.  On a good day, I can take those pieces and make sense out of things.  On a bad day… good luck trying to get me to come up with something coherent.

I hate my weight and so I hate myself.  I really loathe who I am some days.  The saddest thing in the world is when you loathe yourself.  When you stop looking at yourself in the mirror because you are depressed by what you see.  Because you think that if you were of a normal weight then you would be pretty and intelligent and more worth listening to.

So that’s where i’m at right now.  This week.  This moment.  I feel like i’m going to drown in my own depression.  I know that I need to get back on the meds but I feel ashamed.  And yet, as I say this, things are falling down around me.

So I need to make something positive happen.  I’m just not sure where to begin.  Because this thing called “my life” feels like 3 tons of steel on my shoulders and my neck is in unhappy knots of pain.

I am really all torn up inside right now and am a maker of my own unhappiness.

You see, I have a problem with confrontation.  In fact, confrontation makes me sick inside.  I have never been the kind of person to set boundaries between myself and other people.  Though I know that when people start crossing those boundaries I feel a strong need to break away and distance myself.  This method usually leaves people confused, hurt and offended.  I’m always afraid to set boundaries.  Because I think that if I set boundaries, then people will walk away and I will be rejected.  Because I feel deep inside that I am not worth the hassle of not crossing the boundaries I set.  So, when a relationship reaches the point of where boundaries must be set, I automatically start pushing that person (or group of people) away so that I can break free and not have to confront or set boundaries.  Saying “no” is not something I am good at.  I don’t want to hurt others because I know the intense pain of rejection and I also don’t want to chance being rejected.

I am lucky that I am married and have children otherwise I would be a lonely person.  Outside of my family, I behold myself to no one.  I put up a fence so that I will not be hurt.  While I enjoy people and can be the life of the party (mostly I am the life of the party but it’s another self-defense mechanism to help me be liked), another part of me is very comfortable being alone and having no friends.

For the longest time, it was hard for me to allow my personality to shine through.  I would always take on bits and pieces of personality from other people (generally these were well-liked people) and adopt them as my own.   I am usually well-liked by my peers and everyone likes to have me around because i’m fun and sweet.  I have become an expert at reading body language and understanding different tones, facial expressions and changes in voice and conversation.  I am excellent at reading people and try my very hardest to be everything to everyone.

Having said that… it has taken me 29 years to be able to piece this together and say it (or rather write it) outloud.  But now that I know this about myself, I haven’t the foggiest idea of how to change it.

Currently, I have a friend who really likes to have me around.  We get together, drink a little and talk a lot.  It’s fun, but she wants to see me all of the time and I cannot do that but have not set boundaries.  She’s going through something rather painful and feels lonely.  I am the main person she talks to about these things and I make her feel better.

I am happily married with three kids and my husband hates that I get together with her.  He usually feels like he has to fight for time with me (even though we spend lots of time together).  So sometimes I feel like the two of them are in an emotional tug-of-war.  I tried to explain to him how I feel but at the same time, I realize that he is my husband and God willing, we’ll be together always.  I walk around guilty and start fantasizing about my single life when I was only beholden to myself.  That sends me on another guilt trip.  I feel like I spend my whole life feeling guilty and unworthy.

So i’ve been avoiding my friend because I don’t want to hear how I should just tell my husband to “shove it” and do what I want.  I want to continue being friends with her but I don’t want to continue to “let her down”… because I don’t have enough time to devote to being a good friend.

*sigh*

My mother-in-law wrote me an apologetic e-mail regarding a recent situation that hurt my feelings and the feelings of my husband.  The situation at hand was a small one but simply added to the already burning fire and now we have an explosive ending.

I want to talk to her.  But I can’t.  It’s not quite the same as when it is your own family.  At least, that’s how I feel.  Your own family will love you no matter what.  Your inlaws… well… not-so-much.

So we sit in estranged silence.  She has apologized via e-mail.  But I still feel extremely hurt.  I’m trying as much as I can to get over it, but feel largely that this is the last straw for me.  Meanwhile, I sit and wait for something soothing to happen.  I know that I need to talk to her… but i’m not sure that I will feel any peace as a result and that I will always dwell.  At least…. right now.

It’s been so long since I had a great day, I feel like shouting it from the rooftops.  I now understand why exercise is the number one depression combatant.  I had about 3 hours of endorphin inducing, brow sweatin’, heart racin’ activity and I feel invigorated!

I just thought i’d share.  Good days like these make me feel blessed and help get me through the not-so-good days.

I have taken a good look at where i’m at right now and realize the depth of the misery that I am in (to a point).  The fact of the matter is, I have three beautiful children, a wonderful husband and an apt roof over my head.  So what’s to be sad about?

Still, I feel at a loss for a purpose.

Some days I want to lay in bed and throw the covers over my head.  Some days, my children call out to me and I stare at them trying to muster up the strength to do what I need to do.  I’m like a machine.  Going through life but not experiencing it.

This depressive state that I am in is sucking my soul away from me.  Because I love being a mom and I love being a wife, but I don’t know who I am.  I know who I used to be, but that girl… that woman is so far from where I am at now. And I would say that I want to find who I am but I don’t have the time or energy to pursue it.

I just feel so lost.

Yesterday we celebrated my youngest child’s first birthday.  My baby is 1!  I still can’t believe it!

While my husband and I were relatively calm and excited during the weeks leading up to the big day, i’m sad to say that we were on a different path once the day actually came.  Mainly because his mom and his aunt put a lot of pressure on us as parents and *ALWAYS* second-guess our decisions.  It’s not a fun time for all and makes me long for the days when birthday parties become “sleepovers”.

The whole in-law thing still kind of eludes me.  It is hard enough for two people to mesh their lives together and accept one another’s strengths and weaknesses.  It becomes even harder when you also deal with their family.  Or at least, it’s that way for me.

I love my husband’s family.  However, his mom and I have our issues.  Nothing newsworthy.  No smack-down drag out fights, hair pulling or name calling  (Hell, maybe i’d feel better if that was the case).  But more or less we have a like/dislike relationship and it takes place in a quiet manner that comes out in odd ways (body language, veiled communication, unspoken expectations).

My mother-in-law is a sweet, non-confrontational lady with a lot ideals on how life should ‘appear’.  Things must look pretty on the outside… regardless of the ugliness on the inside.  Money means a lot as do appearances.  Everything that is done is for “appearances sake”.   So in that respect, sometimes she is hot and sometimes cold toward me.

It’s kind of hard and somewhat painful to describe our relationship.  I think she loves me sometimes just as I love her.  But other times I think she merely tolerates me.

There are times when she’ll come over and she won’t like something that I am doing (i.e. how I dress the kids, food that the kids eat, whether or not the kids are wearing socks inside… you get the picture) and she’ll try and get it to go her way by saying something like… “Shouldn’t the kids have socks on?” and i’ll say… “It’s fine that they don’t have socks on.”  If my husband is not here, then she’ll continue to press the issue with me until she gets her way (I appreciate peace more than confrontation myself so I immediately give in and then feel as though I should have stood up for myself later on).  If my husband is here, she won’t bother to ask me a second time and will direct her questions to him as if to get him on her side.

I remember once, I was making a bottle for O (my firstborn) and she picked up the bottle and felt that it was too hot.  She first approached me with it and I said… “It’s fine mom.”.  Then she approached my husband.  I never felt more humiliated or non-existent in my life.

To this day she still does that to me.  Even though I have 1 more child under my belt than she did hers.

I remain firm in my stance that I will never do anything to hinder her relationship with her grandchildren (my kids) or her son (my husband).  I only want her to respect my position in this family as wife and mother to those people of whom she holds dear.

I tried explaining my situation with my mother-in-law to an ex-therapist of mine.  He laughed at me and said that his wife goes through the same thing with his mom and that I should let her do as she pleases.  Then proceeded to use my session time to talk about his life in relation to my issues with my mother-in-law.  Needless to say, that was the last time I went to see him.

The thing is…. I am so highly aware of how other people feel.  Some might argue that this is a gift but I think it is a curse.  Because little to my ex-shrink’s knowledge, I did think about how my mother-in-law was feeling and I did try my best to maker her feel loved and included.

But all of this compromise left me feeling drained, dry, taken advantage of and a little victimized (for lack of a better term).

Because all in all… I felt like my feelings didn’t matter as much as everyone else’s feelings mattered.  And that I would and will always be the one to “give in” or compromise.  While others are allowed to come and do as they please without any regard to my feelings.  

If I actually told my mother-in-law how I was feeling, she would then take those feelings into herself and instead of improving the situation would play the martyr.  Which of course leaves me feeling like the bad guy.

And this realization… is one of the key factors to why I do what I do.

What sucks is when someone you thought was your friend actually wasn’t.  But the great thing in all of this is that somewhere deep inside you knew that to be true and so you walked away first.

Sometimes, I feel truly out of my head.  I know that what I am saying and doing is wrong or not really acceptable, but I still do it anyway.  Because they are my feelings.  I can’t hold them back.  In my mind, I want everyone to know how I feel and to feel how I feel.

My mother-in-law called today to see if she can help me with the kids one day this week (she gave me her schedule over the phone).  When I heard the voicemail, I automatically went on the defensive and shut down.  It was like an anxiety trigger.  She is an anxiety trigger.  She always wants to help and I get the feeling that she does so because she doesn’t think that I can handle it by myself.  As if things I do aren’t good enough.  She’s very particular about things and I always feel a lot of pressure with her.  So even something as seemingly innocent as helping with the kids puts me in a tailspin.

The weird thing is, I am more likely to push her away and avoid her phone calls when I feel like my life is dishevled.  I don’t know how she really feels about me but something doesn’t feel right about our relationship.  I can’t put my finger on it.  She’s sweet and she tries to help and reach out.  But sometimes, I wonder if it’s sincere or just something she’s doing because it is the right thing to do.  Because she feels that she has to do it not because she wants to.  I feel defective.  That feeling creates problems.  I create problems with that feeling.

I love my side of the family, but sometimes even they get too close for comfort.  I want freedom without obligation.  Lately, I tend to feel bogged down and overwhelmed.  But really… what is there to feel overwhelmed about?   Yes, I am a mother to three little ones all under the age of 5.  Yes, I do attend college full time and it is true that I am trying to start my own business but still.   I don’t think that my struggles are different than anyone else’s.  Yet, I feel bogged down and defeated.  Especially when I hit a difficult point.

This particular post is going to be all across the board because my thoughts and feelings are jumbled up today.

Earlier, I actually envisioned myself escaping to a tropical island with my kids and my husband.  The notion that no one else was around to burden me with their expectations seemed like heaven.

Who thinks like this?  What is wrong with me?

I feel overwhelmed today.  I am helping out a family member but am drowning in the added responsibilities.  I want to help.  It’s who I am.  I feel selfish for feeling overloaded.  I hate feeling overwhelmed and yet I know i’m doing the right thing.

Why are feelings so fleeting?  For me they come and they go and I have an overwhelming urge to express them.  I don’t suppress.  I just let it out.

I had a dream that a snake came out of my arm and I tried killing it so I cut off its mouth.  Still it lived.  I tried to catch it and it was unreachable.  Not the first time i’ve dreamt about a snake.

I’ve been monitoring my behavior and my quirks.  What makes me tick?  Why do I do the things I do?

I’ve come to understand that I get overwhelmed easily.  Some days, I feel two steps away from a nervous breakdown.

I feel guilty and mad at myself for feeling this way.  I am super aware that I must be strong for all in my family.  My children are young and my husband is strong in some areas but not so much in others.

I spoke with my doctor about anxiety and ADD symptoms.  He is supposed to order some tests for me.  He wants to make sure that this is what is going on with me.  I wish I knew.  I kind of feel like i’m grabbing at straws; i’m so confused.

When I was talking to him, I was in a good mood.  I was having a good day.  I kind of brushed aside the seriousness of my problems.  But then again, that is what I do.  I try to make the outside sunny while I am silently angry, bitter, sad and confused on the inside.  But still… Monday was a good day.

Then, today turned out to be a bad day. And I had an anxiety attack over the “tone” of an e-mail sent to me.  Who does this?

Seems like my life is a series of good and bad days.