Yesterday we celebrated my youngest child’s first birthday. My baby is 1! I still can’t believe it!
While my husband and I were relatively calm and excited during the weeks leading up to the big day, i’m sad to say that we were on a different path once the day actually came. Mainly because his mom and his aunt put a lot of pressure on us as parents and *ALWAYS* second-guess our decisions. It’s not a fun time for all and makes me long for the days when birthday parties become “sleepovers”.
The whole in-law thing still kind of eludes me. It is hard enough for two people to mesh their lives together and accept one another’s strengths and weaknesses. It becomes even harder when you also deal with their family. Or at least, it’s that way for me.
I love my husband’s family. However, his mom and I have our issues. Nothing newsworthy. No smack-down drag out fights, hair pulling or name calling (Hell, maybe i’d feel better if that was the case). But more or less we have a like/dislike relationship and it takes place in a quiet manner that comes out in odd ways (body language, veiled communication, unspoken expectations).
My mother-in-law is a sweet, non-confrontational lady with a lot ideals on how life should ‘appear’. Things must look pretty on the outside… regardless of the ugliness on the inside. Money means a lot as do appearances. Everything that is done is for “appearances sake”. So in that respect, sometimes she is hot and sometimes cold toward me.
It’s kind of hard and somewhat painful to describe our relationship. I think she loves me sometimes just as I love her. But other times I think she merely tolerates me.
There are times when she’ll come over and she won’t like something that I am doing (i.e. how I dress the kids, food that the kids eat, whether or not the kids are wearing socks inside… you get the picture) and she’ll try and get it to go her way by saying something like… “Shouldn’t the kids have socks on?” and i’ll say… “It’s fine that they don’t have socks on.” If my husband is not here, then she’ll continue to press the issue with me until she gets her way (I appreciate peace more than confrontation myself so I immediately give in and then feel as though I should have stood up for myself later on). If my husband is here, she won’t bother to ask me a second time and will direct her questions to him as if to get him on her side.
I remember once, I was making a bottle for O (my firstborn) and she picked up the bottle and felt that it was too hot. She first approached me with it and I said… “It’s fine mom.”. Then she approached my husband. I never felt more humiliated or non-existent in my life.
To this day she still does that to me. Even though I have 1 more child under my belt than she did hers.
I remain firm in my stance that I will never do anything to hinder her relationship with her grandchildren (my kids) or her son (my husband). I only want her to respect my position in this family as wife and mother to those people of whom she holds dear.
I tried explaining my situation with my mother-in-law to an ex-therapist of mine. He laughed at me and said that his wife goes through the same thing with his mom and that I should let her do as she pleases. Then proceeded to use my session time to talk about his life in relation to my issues with my mother-in-law. Needless to say, that was the last time I went to see him.
The thing is…. I am so highly aware of how other people feel. Some might argue that this is a gift but I think it is a curse. Because little to my ex-shrink’s knowledge, I did think about how my mother-in-law was feeling and I did try my best to maker her feel loved and included.
But all of this compromise left me feeling drained, dry, taken advantage of and a little victimized (for lack of a better term).
Because all in all… I felt like my feelings didn’t matter as much as everyone else’s feelings mattered. And that I would and will always be the one to “give in” or compromise. While others are allowed to come and do as they please without any regard to my feelings.
If I actually told my mother-in-law how I was feeling, she would then take those feelings into herself and instead of improving the situation would play the martyr. Which of course leaves me feeling like the bad guy.
And this realization… is one of the key factors to why I do what I do.